Groundbreaking Satirical Mathematics Proves This Almost Conclusively
QUEEN CITY — A team at Opon University claims to have put the final nail in the coffin of string theory and is recommending that researchers immediately devote their resources to other endeavors. String theory, for the uninitiated, is [Editor’s note: we have no idea either].
“We used elementary school mathematics to prove within a +/- 50% margin of error that strings are 1-dimensional,” said Michael Randall, MS, “which means string theory is literally pointless.”
“My sixth grader worked on the proof,” added Assistant Professor Thomas Beran, “so I’m willing to stake Randall’s career on our results.”
The team’s next challenge is to prove quantum gravity with elementary school mathematics.
“The pressure to surpass this latest achievement is weighing on us heavily,” said Randall, “but we trust Dr. Beran’s kid will come through for us once again.”
Thanks to Barak Shoshany (@BarakShoshany) for the inspiration for this article. Please enjoy before he has his team of lawyers force Medium to take it down and ban me from this platform.
